......so i don't know why i'm writing now, after not having written for what.... 8 months? 7? anyway, i guess some days you feel it, and some days you don't. i didn't feel like writing for months, so i didn't. and today, i do.
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anyway... i feel really on edge, like i could go off any second, but at the same time, i'm feeling really suppressed... by social standards, my own emotions, i don't know, but i feel like even if i wanted to burst out with emotion, i wouldn't be able to let it out. it's stuck. ...and everything's a mess... literally. my mess is contained, though, in my room. (how parallel to life!) but the house, in general though, is trashed. and as much as it's driving me crazy, i refuse to clean it. if someone should pick her stuff up, throw it away, move it, whatever, i'd be happy to vacuum, if she'd wash her dishes, i'd be happy to sweep and mop.... but until that moment comes, i will track through crumbs on the floor as long as it takes.
teaching, although a blast in the beginning, is wearing me down. i'm doing 20 hours of teaching per week, and it's really sucking out my soul. today's my easy day... just two classes. and tomorrow's my last day of teaching this week. ...it's not a matter, though, of whether or not i'll survive. this is cake compared to college. it's just a matter of whether or not my students are learning anything. ...i think i'm going to juniata on friday. i have the day off, i need to get out of here, and i think it'll be good for me to sit down with prudence and get some teaching ideas for things like possessive pronouns, articles, etc.
...and i feel like crap too, because i've been taking out all of my frustration on one person who doesn't necessarily deserve it. i AM irritated with him, but for reasons that are completely separate from my own issues. and i think it's okay to be upset with people, just as long as you only give them their part of your frustrations, and not attack them with the whole thing.
.......so. that's everything. now, i need to get dressed, go and teach. three hours til class, and i'm still not completely sure what i'm teaching today. ...american manners and etiquette, i think. my chinese men belch loudly and freely, and we need to stop that, even if only for my own sanity. mkay, that's all. um... bye.
So I just finished my first past-due assignment of the weekend. I decided yesterday morning that I had WAY TOO much work to do to go to New York for Easter, so here I am, in PA, in the PACS office, writing papers, reading books, etc. etc. I have accomplished work, though, so we can assume that staying wasn't a TOTAL waste. I hoped to be a little further along, but because I, uh, unintentionally drank a little wine last night (or um, a whole bottle) and passed out, um... I didn't get started as soon as I had hoped.
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Anyway my throat hurts, I'm tired, I've gotten a good start on my work, and now I'm going home to read books and maybe watch a movie. ...I wish I wasn't going home to just CJ. I wish I was going home to a house full of interesting and exciting people who would keep me entertained for a little while. Why did everyone leeeaaave me?! ...stupid holiday.
Oh well... hope the world is having a good time without me! *sniffle* Oh, well... two days, and everything will be back to normal! Yay! Bye!
hiya! so... things are generally not interesting. i'm in the pacs office listening to spanish songs off the internet. it's a good time. i can't work by myself for very long here, just because i eventually take advantage of the fact that no one's watching me do nothing, therefore i don't have to feel guilty about it. ...at the same time, i have accomplished a lot today. i did a SMASHING presentation today in media violence (okay, smashing, no, but i felt pretty damn good about it anyway- i got a B+!) and i've finished all my homework for tomorrow... there's just all that damn homework that was due BEFORE today that i need to do.
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...oh dear lord. i think, like seriously, this song just said "i wanna get down in your jujubees." like, it was the rap part of a spanish song... too weird... and disturbing. (note to self: do not to teach phrases like "get down in your jujubees" in my ESL classes.)
ohhh.... i need to go! nikki and i just made a deal involving ice cream! later, gator!
damn time change... it gets me all screwy. i can't handle loosing an hour. i need all the hours i can get!!!
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so what's going on? um... i didn't get my job this summer? :o(, BUT, it's cool because i got a better job and a better place to live! here! i'm going to be doing pretty much exactly the same thing as i did last summer-- i'm living here, working for the international office, taking a few weeks to go to latin america, then coming back to continue the good time in the office. i enjoyed myself with it last year... the only thing is that this year, i'm not just staying here... honestly, it really scares me. *sigh* ...i haven't let myself admit it yet.
i was typing that last paragraph, and this slow lisa loeb song came on that cindy and i used to play ALL the time our sophomore year, and it just made me want to cry. i don't want to leave, but i can't stay. i HAVE to go, and it sucks a lot. i don't know what i'm going to do... just handle it, i guess. it's all i CAN do.
yeah... hm. anyway. hm... so, my parents came to visit yesterday and today. the whole thing made me crazy-nervous between seeing them yesterday after pig roast and having lunch with them today with beth and charlie. they're... not like me. maybe they are. i don't think they're like me, though. plus, i don't like when people try to justify your quirks by what your parents do, and i get paranoid, because... i don't want to be compaired.
pig roast, by the way, was a good time. ...who knew so little wine could make me so funny. we had a great time. beth, me, and assorted other people had bread, wine, cheese, grapes, etc. amidst the roasted pig and keg stands. i felt so classy! ...in a really fake-poshy sort of way.
ohhhhkay. what's wrong with me? i keep making myself upset.... so, like... next weekend's easter. i'm going to NYC with the foreign people. ...then, after that, i've got three more weekends with everyone-- charlie, nikki, my other foreigners... everyone who won't be here for the summer. i can't handle everything coming so fast. i want a pause button... and a hug. *sigh*
my weekend, aside from the parental stress, was amazing. definitely one of my favorites in recent history. everything just seemed... perfect. and now... i'm left with a pile of work, two job applications to finish, and a need to escape everything. i'm going to... just be me for a minute... then get back to my stuff. i'll write more eventually...
Yo world. The world has been a crazy place for the last week. ....at least it's been a crazy place from my perspective in it.
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...I don't know where to start, and I don't feel like going in order. There was a little trauma last week as far as people and issues and I'm not being clear, but I know what I'm talking about, and to make a long confusing sentence even longer, um... I'm just waiting to see if anyone gets in trouble for stuff they hopefully won't get in trouble for, and I'm involved, and that's all. Enough on that subject.
Somewhere amidst that last sentence, I got a concussion! On Wednesday night, I was walking down Charlie's hall, and I slipped and knocked my head on the wall and the floor. My vision was blurry for a couple days, but all is normal now. ...I got better from that just in time to get some sort of possibly-ulcer-related-stomach issue. ...we went to this AWESOME GLBT coffeehouse/poetry-reading/song-singing bash on Saturday night, and it was SO great. One of my professors jammed out, and I swear, she rocked my world. It was way cool... but then it all went to hell, because we went to Eat 'n Park, and I was sick until I woke up on Monday.
And... hm. What else... oh, also on Friday, I found out that I'm flunking one of my classes. I was aware that I probably was, but it was just rough seeing it in writing. I got completely caught up, though, on my MWF classes, which is wonderful. I had a test in my Spanish class on Monday, which I think went pretty well... I knew all the answers, I'm just not sure if I said them correctly... damn other-language! *shaking my fist*
...I should be finishing up my stuff for the class that I'm doing horribly in right now, but making myself do it is so hard. It sucks, because then I'd be pretty much guilt-free. I think I might head home in a few to zonk out for a couple of hours, then just get up in the morning... I dunno if that's a good idea, though.
What else... hm... There's the laundry thing. It's all kinda stupid, but I feel really bad about it, so I'm going to write about it... so, blah, blah, I got upset with Charlie yesterday about not being somewhere when he said he would be, and it had to do with laundry... okay. So... I have this tendency, I always have, to push things further than they need to be pushed, and make people feel worse than they need to when I feel like I'm reasonably ticked off. ...I think I made him feel worse, though, than he needed to, because he's pretty sensitive and didn't need me making him feel worse than he was going to make himself feel. ...I feel awful now, though.
...hm... amusing story, though. When I DID go today to do my laundry, there was this woman there with 11 trash bags full of clothes and two laundry hampers. It was incredible. Apparently she had 6 kids, a husband, and the washer had been broken for two weeks... who knew so much laundry could build up! it was funny, though, because this woman had a daughter in Cindy's class... what a crazy, small world this is here in central PA...
Annnyway... I think that's it for now. Time to... do something. Adios!
So I love calling people a punk, and calling myself a punk, at all sorts of random meaningless moments. In recent history, I've started saying "You're such a punk!" instead of telling people that they suck, because I think it's more original and less blatant.
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At the same time, I'm REALLY interested in the sociology of punk... like, the counterculter. I think it's really interesting... like, where it came from, how it's maintained itself, and interesting questions like, which came first? The attitude, the music, or the clothes? --and if it's just the attitude, then have punks existed as long as the rebellion against society? ...it's all so fascinating. I want to write a book! And I want to focus on the culture more than the music. I think it'll be good. I've wanted to do this for a long time.
...but anyway... as I was just about to call myself a punk for starting to waste time again, I decided to consult dictionary.com in order to see just what the definition of the word itself was. ...hehe, I thought they were pretty funny, so I'm going to share them with you!
(note: the definitions are unchanged- i just changed the order and added examples)
noun 1. Dry decayed wood, used as tinder. "I'm going to go get the punk for the stove."
2. Any of various substances that smolder when ignited, used to light fireworks. "Oh, I can't wait until he lights the punk!"
3. Chinese incense. "Mmmm, that punk smells so nice."
slang adj. 4. Of poor quality; worthless. "Ew, that meat was so punk!"
5. Weak in spirits or health. "Yeah, my grandma's feeling pretty punk right now."
slang noun 6. A young person, especially a member of a rebellious counterculture group. "I heard that punk kids cut each other with razor blades and knives!"
7. An inexperienced young man. "I've heard he's never even kissed her; he's such a punk!"
8. A young man who is the sexual partner of an older man. "I'm not done with you yet, punk!"
music 9. Punk rock. "Yeah, I've been to a punk show."
10. A punk rocker. "Hey, look at that punk with the blue hair!"
archaic 11. A prostitute. "I'm going to the corner to find me a punk!"
So uh... there you go for your educational experience for the evening. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me, punk.
Once I get to the library, I have this time-wasting ritual that usually consists of sitting down, folding my scarf up all nice and neatly, I get out my books, and my pen... then, I open up IM and my mail, and start to look at whichever opens the fastest. If it's the email, then I go down through and see what new, random messages I've got, then I go to IM and read everyone's away message. If IM opens first, then it's vice versa.
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Then I look outside, and wonder what it's doing, even though I was just out there and can see out the window. So, I look at weather.com. By this point, I've easily wasted 10-15 minutes. Sometimes, if things are really slow, I'll check to see what the weather is doing in the places that I WISH I was... like, home, Guatemala, or wherever.
Then I remember something interesting that happened earlier that day, and that I might want to put that in my journal. So then I come here and sift through what I've written, sift through what other people have written, take a few quizzes, and maybe write something.
If no one's IMed me yet, then I come up with ideas of things to search for on the internet... like, some random song that popped into my head for no reason earlier in the day... then I'll research the band... then I'll research the record label and learn about other bands. By this point, I'll have easily wasted 45 minutes to an hour, and realize that at this point, trying to do any work will just be fruitless and I might as well go hang out in the PACS office until it's time for me to go to my next class, meeting, etc.
...oh, if we could only un-learn the things that we do.
so, instead of doing spanish homework, i decided that i wanted to write a poem. BUT, i thought i'd still try to keep my time-wasting educational, so i wrote my poem in spanish. ...i doubt anyone will ever read this and care, but that's okay. this is for me (pardon any mistakes):
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hay cinco vasos sobre la mesa:
un con peces pintados
y un con sedimentos de vino,
un vasito con la cara rosada de barbie,
y dos vasos plásticos,
medio-llenos con el agua nadie bebía.
ningunos son míos.
en una casa grande,
nadie está aquí,
sino mí y los vasos.
y nadie está aquí para reinvindicarnos.
en mi cama esta mañana, había:
cuatro ojos brillantes,
cientos besos sabrosos,
todos eran míos,
y todos eran suyas.
yo vivo en el mundo con los vasos,
y no los besos.
es por los besos que sueño.
Hiya, hiya, hiya! SOooooo today is Thursday. Do you know how great that is?! This means that I've survived this long!!! The weather isn't too shabby, I've managed to forget about the sum-total of work that will eventually need to be done, I've decided to dye part of my hair pink, tomorrow is Friday, and the best thing is-- it seems like no matter WHERE I go today, I'm surrounded by the people I love! ...like, every room I walk into, everytime I sit down, everytime I turn my head, right there is someone unique and fabulous who gives me hugs and grins and envelops me in a general aura of optimism.
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I like today. That's all.
So I woke up this morning and my housemate told me that we had two months 'til graduation. ...well, that just screwed up MY day... nothing else went right after that. Everything just built up... all the work and the stress. It was horrible. All day!
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Normally I let things like that run over me like water... today was just weird. I felt so dirty and so guilty. Like... especially this semester I've been more perceptive about passing my classes than usual... but today especially. Oh...
so of course I had so much to do, and I was SO worried about it, so... what'd I do? I came home and made butter and toast, of course! And what goes better with toast than a glass of wine?! So I had a glass... and then another, and some more until I finished off the half-a-bottle that was left in the fridge. ...silly me. ...now I'm squinty, AND have lots of homework to do. ...but at least I feel better. ...maybe Spanish will go better now. Maybe... silly me.
I think... it's Spanish time. I'll do Spanish. And it'll be happy and good and right. And I'll go into tomorrow and I'll smile with cute grin and a blushy face, just like me.
So.... I'm really sick of my hair right now. I wish it would speed up with this whole growing thing... either that, or just all fall out. I don't care. Just do SOMETHING. It's been making me mad for the last several months, and I'm getting to the point where I just can't handle it anymore!!! ...maybe I'd look hot with a mohawk. I have enough hair for that! ...grrrr...
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(3 hours later...) Okay, that was dumb. I gave up caring about my hair as soon as I left the room.
I had to go up to school to buy books for my teaching ESL class... I really don't have the money for it, but I needed the books... ugh. Anyway... heh, it was colder than I thought outside. I got up to school (I drove. I know, shoot me.) and needed to walk across campus, but I didn't bring my coat, so I stole Liz's (the secretary in my office.) I looked like such a dork walking to the bookstore, but NO ONE said anything... they all just smiled. It was this HUGE red coat with lots of pockets, which I had put my keys, mail, and wallet in... I looked like I should have been in a children's TV show on PBS.
Hm... what else. Our patient is doing fine. She's back at home... they didn't keep her in the hospital, which I suppose is a good thing. Ew, ew, ew! It was so stupid, though, because the next day my pre-med friend spent the afternoon with her, so she'd have some company, and he could keep an eye on her... and his girlfriend (who doesn't even live NEAR here) got jealous. ...ugh, I guess that's what you get for having a good heart!
Let's see... oh, I got to hang out with Charlie yesterday, which was fabulous and made my heart all happy, but that's nothing new. The thing was, though, that I hung out with him until late, got up early, did some work, went back to bed and missed my first class... which I always feel scummy for doing. Then, as I was getting ready, I found out that my second class was cancelled (4th or 5th time this semester!) so, I only had one class today. I feel like such a slacker!
Annnnnyway... I think this slacker's going to try to get something done.
Okay. So I'm going to start typing and just go with it. I'm not sure how far I'll get... maybe I'll just do the really really short version.
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I went on Spring Break to Birmingham, Alabama to build with one of the Habitat affiliates there. We left on Saturday night, and got there on Sunday afternoon. Sunday was pretty uneventful. Monday was our day off, so in the morning, we worked on scraping and painting this little old lady's house. In the afternoon, we went to tour Birmingham. We ended up in this horrible posh little shopping center, and met a guy from here in Huntingdon. It was too weird. He gave us directions to a better shopping area, so I lead a van of people there. I got to hang out with a couple of wonderful kids, and we drank smoothies (I had a "Frozen Goat!"), went music-store-shopping (I bought some vinyl for my brother), and finally went to this tattoo shop that also specialized in drug and sex paraphernalia. It was a lovely afternoon.
That evening, we were getting ready to eat dinner, and as I was standing in line I could see one of our girls lying on the pavement, and a couple of other people (particularly my friend Matt, the senior pre-med guy) standing over her, checking her vitals. Aparently she fainted, but Matt and Jared (the freshman EMT) had no idea why. So, Matt called 911, their was a lot of ruckus, somehow I got pulled into going with Matt, Jared, and our two presidents to the hospital. I felt really useless except for the fact that I was the only one who could bring her to the bathroom. She lost a lot of her memory... it was really upsetting. ...later we found out that she might have had a stroke, but it's still unclear. (I'll refer to her as "our patient," just because she's pretty embarrassed about the whole thing, and I don't want to go into too much detail.)
Anyway, we didn't get home from the hospital until 3, and we (our patient, Jared, Matt and I) slept in the next morning while everyone else went off to frame houses in the rain. I was going to go help build around 12, but my roommate told me to stay and cook dinner for everyone. ...I was a little upset, because I wasn't getting to build, but I stayed and cooked dinner for 29 alllll afternoon. ...in the end, it was really pretty good.
The rest of the week went by pretty fast. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday we worked on the site and bonded all day. I made so many awesome friends... like, I knew everyone before, but I got to know a lot of people really well and we had a great time. We managed to build all of the walls for two houses, insulate the outsides, wrap them, put up all the tresses for the rooves and tacked up part of the plywood. ...Not too shabby for four days! On Thursday we got to go to the Civil Rights Institute, which was REALLY cool and well done. I enjoyed that a lot! ...oh, and it was SO funny! --because we went out to dinner afterward. There were two meaty vans of people and one vegetarian van. Well, we NINE veggies went to this nice little cafe and order our meal, and the bill came out to $315!!! After a little clarification and noting that we did not order 22 iced teas and 7 bowls of chicken tortilla soup, we discovered that we only owed $75. ...it was pretty funny, but I felt bad for the waitress, because we totally attacked her. It was a great night, though, because I got to hang out with my new friend Dana all evening and she introduced me to the "Roberta kiss" which is the best, funniest thing in the whole world. She and I went around spreading the love by giving double-Roberta-kisses all night... hehe... it's too weird and funny to explain here, but if you're curious, ask me next time you see me.
Annnnyway.... Yesterday evening, we cleaned up the volunteer center (where we were staying), ate dinner, packed up and left Alabama amidst a horrible storm and tornado warnings. I drove the 2am-6am shift through the pouring rain, slept a lot afterward, and we made it back to school this afternoon. I took a shower and a little nap, and got ready to go out to dinner with the lovely Habitat crew. As I was fixing my hair in the bathroom, we got a phone call and found out that our patient had fainted again and had another ambulance ride. Cindy and I went up to the hospital, but when we got there, she was in triage and we got to talk to Matt, Dana and Jared who were there. We got them dinner, but by the time we got back to the ER, they were gone, the ER attendant wouldn't tell us anything, and we couldn't get ahold of them.
Anyway... now, we're waiting for Matt to give us a call about what's going on. I'm pretty worried, but I'm trying to forget about it by keeping myself busy with other things... maybe I'll sort out my dirty laundry. I need to keep busy. I'll write more later, if there's anything more to write.
Hi! So I'm pretty much ready to have my spring break now! I've got things as situated as they're going to be here in Huntingdon. Everything's packed, my living room is full of Habitat-ers, and we're just waiting for one person to get here so we can leave.
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Cindy and I had our first teaching ESL class today. It was a Linguistics course, which I thought was SO interesting! I like things like that, though. I had this major revelation that teaching English is going to be very little like learning Spanish. They have really different structures that I've never even thought about before. ...I talk so much and don't even realize everything that goes into it. ...it's all too weird.
I really need an opportunity to relax. It'll be good, though, because apart from driving, we don't HAVE to do anything until Tuesday morning. It's Saturday night now, so... yeah, I'm a happy girl.
Anyway... I have more things... more interesting things... on my mind, but I'll just leave this for now. Have a great week, world! And be good while I'm gone!
Soooo... I didn't finish EVERYTHING yesterday. I did finish a lot of stuff, though! ...I'm just left with two projects to finish by 4. That gives me 5 hours... *sigh* I hate doing this to myself.
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Then, tonight I start a new class entirely. It's so weird to see everyone else start breaking down while I know that I'm only beginning. Tomorrow night, though, I'll climb into a van with some of my favorite people and leave this god-forsaken little town for awhile.
*deep breath* Alright. Here we go....
i have decided that tomorrow is the day that will make all of the rest of the days after it better. tomorrow, i will do the assorted list of work, errands, chores, etc. that i have been avoiding. ...no more convincing myself that i can procrastinate a little longer! tomorrow, when i go to bed, i will feel good, and complete, and ready to step out of the week without my list hanging over my head. tomorrow will be a great, great day. i know it.
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I don't want to do anything anymore!!!!! At least, no more homework! I have a list of things a zillion miles long, and all I want to do is finish my resumé, fill out forms for next year, do some Vagina Monologuing, talk to and spend time with my favorite people, and NOT WORRY ABOUT all this stupid meaningless crap! I have less than two hours to get my life in order before I spend the following 4 being an active feminist. Can't I just do that for the rest of the week, then magically appear on spring break in Alabama on Sunday?
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I want to do what I want to do from now on! I want May to be here! I want it to be warm, I want to graduate, have no responsibilities for a couple weeks, have fun, smoke cigarettes on the porch and swing in the hammock, name mixed drinks with my roommate, sleep until I'm ready to wake up, and only care about the things that I FEEL are important!
*sigh* Okay, that's all. Back to work.
by Vladimir Nabokov
Considered by most to be depraved and immoral, you are obsessed with
sex. What really tantalizes you is that which deviates from societal standards in every
way, though you admit that this probably isn't the best and you're not sure what causes
this desire. Nonetheless, you've done some pretty nefarious things in your life, and
probably gotten caught for them. The names have been changed, but the problems are real.
Please stay away from children.
Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.
So um... apparently this is the book that describes me best..? Heh... maybe they're right. Well, probably, but I'll refuse to admit it openly.
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So I really should be doing work, but I... don't feel like it. So I'm not. At least not right now. I'm kinda behind, just a little, in most of my classes. Well... actually I'm on track in my Spanish classes and in my stupid rhetoric class. It's easy to forget about the Tuesday/Thursday classes, though, because I only have them twice a week! ...that's where I'm behind.
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But anyway... I don't know the last thing I wrote, so I'm just going to write whatever I want to say. This weekend was pretty great. I got to spend a lot of time with Charlie, which was wonderful because he had been gone for the last two weekends, so it was good to get to see him without having to immediately run off and do work. ...although Cindy, my roommate, is giving me crap about spending TOO much time with him, but that's only because I spent the last year telling her the same thing about her exboyfriend. Anyway... it was good. He makes me happy like you wouldn't believe.
For example, I was in the Vagina Monologues tonight. It was WONDERFUL, and I was much more moved than I thought I would be... especially after having seen the practices so many times. It was great to see it with a real audience. But, anyway, I was really grateful for him, because he was so totally supportive. ...it meant a lot, especially because the only thing my mom said to me about it was "I'm not happy about this." Anyway... the show was really great, and it was really packed. I just hope the next two showings are half as full.
Ugh... that's the other thing. This is going to be a hella long week. I have two more showing of the Vagina Monologues, work to catch up on... and finally, my resume to write! I'm applying for a job for next summer, but I have to apply by Friday. I need a resume, but I've never written one before! The things is, if I can manage to get my stuff together by Friday, then I'm pretty much guarenteed the job. The person is really interested in me, partially because he's going to volunteer in June at the SAME elementary school in Xela, Guatemala that I worked in last summer!!! ...too crazy. Anyway, this is just a summer job, but it'd be great experience. I would be teaching English to international teenaged girls at a summer camp. How cool is that?!
Anyway... I guess that's all for my weekend. ...there's a lot more detail that I could add... but... I should probably read my Spanish story for tomorrow. Adios!!!
So... I don't really know why I've decided to start this. ...bordom? Although, I'm really not usually bored... well, except for the last few days, but that's just been because my professors keep cancelling class, and I haven't much work lately.
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Hm... I was supposed to go to the bar tonight with the foreign kids, because that's what I do... at least, that's what I did last semester, but I've only gone once since the semester started. I haven't really seen them a lot lately, except for at lunch, when I go. ...not important.
what else... the weather was WAY nice today! ...it was one of those perfect days where you didn't need your jacket, but you were by no means sweating. It was exciting, because I'm always cold, and for once I wasn't. And I felt cute today... which may sound weird, but it was one of those days where you feel really good, and everyone tells you that they can see it in you too.
It was also good, because I found out I can get a loan for my teaching ESL classes that I'm going to take next summer (yay!) ...which means that I'm not going to have to beg to anyone for a couple thousand dollars (yay again!)
Anyway... I guess that's it for my world for the moment. I have spanish homework to do that I probably won't do until the morning... because... I do things like that... I go to bed early, then get up at 4:30am. It's a good time! Oh well, anyway... sleep tight, whoever may come across this...
Hi, I'm not really putting a lot of thought into this at the moment, because I don't really know what I'm doing yet... so. I'll add better thoughts later.
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